Riccardo Notarbartolo di Villarosa

KWIK SHIT

The new secret weapon in the America’s Cup yacht races

A careful study of the America’s Cup deed of gift and of the international yachting federation laws has confirmed that there are no rules prohibiting the adoption of water surface tension thinners during races. In the history of seafaring there are many examples of actions performed to modify water surface tension such as pouring oil over a rough sea in order to afford a less bumpy navigation. The Nederlands agriculture Service has come up with surprising results from a team of scientists working in polder farms. In order to liven up their week ends the learned gentlemen decided to organize a race between two identical Lemster Aaks (traditional Dutch sailboats) belonging to two farmers. The winners were to be offered free drinks by the losers who had to perform a klompedans ( traditional dutch dance to be done wearing wooden clogs). To everybody’s surprise the boat called “Eendracht” consistently won over the other boat called “Vrouwe Christina”.
The crews were exchanged but out of 16 races all were won by “Eendracht”.
The scientists discovered that the winner was moored near a manure heap while the other boat was kept in a squeaky clean marina. It appears that the “Eendracht” hull was constantly in contact with manure percolate which acted as a lubricant.
With the encouragement of the Ministry of Defense the team of scientist was asked to keep their findings secret and to keep on working on the project. The priority, as stated in a memo sent to the team by Rear Admiral Van der Wold was to determine which animal species produced the fastest shit.
With the help of the test tank facilities in Wageningen it was discovered that hippo’s turds were most suitable to promote hull speed in all weather conditions.
One of the America’s cup teams got word of these findings which were judged of paramount importance and assigned a group of noted naval architects the task of determining how best to use this discovery. It was decided that the best solution would be to board a mature male hippo to be kept in captivity in the bilges where the mass of the animal weighting more than a ton cold also be used as shifting ballast.
It was agreed to keep the amphibian facing aft in order to protect the after guard from the intoxicating vapours produced in the digestion process. The hippo’s dejections would be collected in a septic tank linked to a turd pump manned by deck hands. The substance would be sprayed on the water through a nozzle positioned at the bow 30° to windward. It is estimated that thanks to this device the hull speed could improve by a minute per mile which is considered a significant advantage.